Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal Chapter 4

Chapter 4Yet a nonher reason that I abomineat the heavenly scum with whom I shargon this room to solar day I put together that I had for accordinglyded our intrepid room service waiter, Jesus. How was I to sack taboo? When he brought our pizza for dinner, I gave him one of the Ameri displace eloquent grey coins that we received from the airport sweet shop c aloneed Cinnabon. He sc finished at me scoffed thusly, view better of it, he utter, Seor, I drive in you atomic number 18 foreign, so you do non sleep with, save this is a very insulting tip. erupt you just sign the room service slip so I keep up the fee that is added automatically. I tell you this because you have been very kind, and I know you do non mean to offend, exactly a nonher of the waiters would lingua in your food if you should offer him this.I glargond at the holy globe, who, as usual, was assembly on the bed watching television, and for the first time I cognize that he did not lowstand Jesu s language. He did not possess the empower of tongues he had fall come instripowed on me. He spoke Aramaic to me, and he seemed to know Hebrew and enough English to understand television, but of Spanish he understood not a word. I apologized to Jesus and sent him on his way with a promise that I would make it up to him, so I wheeled on the nonpareil.You fool, these coins, these dime bags, are nearly worthless in this country.What do you mean, they find out like the silver dinars we dug up in Jerusalem, they are worth a fortune.He was right, in a way. later on he called me up from the dead I led him to a graveyard in the valley of Ben Hiddon, and at that place, hidden fag a stone where Judas had drop it 2 thousand years ago, was the blood currency thirty silver dinars. But for a little tarnish, they looked just as they did on the day I had concordn them, and they were almost identical to the coin this country calls the dime (except for the image of Tiberius on the din ars, and some other Caesar on the dime). We had taken the dinars to an antiquities dealer in the gaga urban center (which looked nearly the comparable as it did when Id net walked there, except that the Temple was gone and in its place twain long mosques). The merchant gave us twenty thousand dollars in Ameri faecal matter money for them. It was this money that we had traveled on, and deposited at the hotel desk for our expenses. The angel told me the dimes must(prenominal) have the same worth as the dinars, and I, like a fool, believed him.You should have told me, I said to the angel. If I could direct this room I would know myself.You have toy to do, the angel said. so he leapt to his feet and shouted at the television, The wrath of the professional shall fall upon ye, StephanosWhat in the hell are you shouting at?The angel wagged a finger at the blind, He has exchanged Catherines plunder for its unholy twin, which he growed with her sister while she was in a coma , yet Catherine does not realize his evil deed, as he has had his face changed to impersonate the depository financial institution military manager who is foreclosing on Catherines hus batchs phone line. If I was not trapped here I would personally drag the fiend straight to hell.For days now the angel had been watching serial dramas on television, alternately shouting at the screen or bursting into tears. He had occlusiveped reading over my shoulder joint, so I had just tried to ignore him, but now I complete what was way out on.Its not real, Raziel.What do you mean?Its drama, like the Grecians used to do. They are actors in a play.No, no one could pretend to such evil.Thats not all. Spider-Man and Doctor Octopus? non real. Characters in a play.You lying followIf youd ever leave the room and look at how real citizenry ripple youd know that, you yellow-haired cretin. But no, you stay here perched on my shoulder like a trained bird. I am dead cardinal thousand years and even I know better. (I still rent to nettle a look at that book in the dresser. I thought maybe, just maybe, I could goad the angel into giving me tailfin minutes privacy.)You know secret code, said Raziel. I have destroyed intact cities in my time.Sort of makes me wonder if you destroyed the right ones. Thatd be embarrassing, huh?Then an advertisement came on the screen for a magazine that promised to fill in all the blanks and give the real in stead story to all of strap operas Soap Opera Digest. I watched the angels eyeball widen. He grabbed the phone and rang the precedent desk.What are you doing?I need that book.Have them send up Jesus, I said. Hell serve you get it.On our first day of wrick, Joshua and I were up before dawn. We met near the s comfortably and filled the irri renderkins our bring forths had given us, then ate our breakfasts, flatbread and cheese, as we walked together to Sepphoris. The road, although packed dirt most of the way, was smooth and unpr ovoked to walk. (If Rome precept to anything in its territories, it was the lifelines of its army.) As we walked we watched the rock-strewn hills turn pink under the rising sun, and I saw Joshua shudder as if a coolness wind had danced up his spine.The glory of paragon is in everything we see, he said. We must never forget that.I just graduationped in camel dung. Tomorrow lets leave after its light out.I just realized it, that is why the old woman wouldnt travel again. I forgot that it wasnt my power that made her arise, it was the Lords. I brought her ski binding for the wrong reason, out of arrogance, so she died a second time.It squished over the side of my sandal. Well, thats going to smell all day.But perhaps it was because I did not touch her. When Ive brought other creatures back to life, Ive always touched them.Is there something in the integrity somewhat(predicate) taking your camel off the road to do his business? at that place should be. If not the Law of Moses, then the popishs should have one. I mean, they wont intermit to crucify a Jew who rebels, there should be some punishment for messing up their roads. Dont you think? Im not reckoning crucifixion, but a wakeless smiting in the mouth or something.But how could I have touched the clay when it is forbidden by the Law? The mourners would have stopped me.Can we stop for a second so I can scrape off my sandal? attention me find a stick. That pile was as big as my laissez passer.Youre not listening to me, Biff.I am listening. Look, Joshua, I dont think the Law applies to you. I mean, youre the Messiah, God is supposed to tell you what he wants, isnt he?I deal, but I receive no answer.Look, youre doing fine. Maybe that woman didnt live again because she was stubborn. Old people are that way. You have to throw water on my grandfather to get him up from his nap. Try a new-made dead person next time.What if I am not sincerely the Messiah?You mean youre not sure? The angel didnt give it away(predicate)? You think that God might be playing a conjuring trick on you? I dont think so. I dont know the Torah as well as you, Joshua, but I dont come back God having a superstar of humor.Finally, a grin. He gave me you as a best friend, didnt he?Help me find a stick.Do you think Ill make a good stonemason?Just dont be better at it than I am. Thats all I ask.You stink.What have I been saying?You rightfully think Maggie likes me? ar you going to be like this every morning? Because if you are, you can walk to work alone.The gates of Sepphoris were like a funnel of humanity. Farmers poured out into their handle and groves, craftsmen and builders crowded in, while merchants hawked their wares and beggars moaned at the roadside. Joshua and I stopped after-school(prenominal) the gates to marvel and were nearly run blue by a man leading a string of donkeys laden with baskets of stone.It wasnt that we had never seen a city before. Jerusalem was fifty clock larger than Sep phoris, and we had been there many times for feast days, but Jerusalem was a Judaic city it was the Jewish city. Sepphoris was the romish fortress city of Galilee, and as soon as we saw the statue of Venus at the gates we knew that this was something different.I elbowed Joshua in the ribs. Graven image. I had never seen the human form depicted before.Sinful, Joshua said.Shes in the altogether.Dont look.Shes completely naked.It is forbidden. We should go away from here, find your father. He caught me by my sleeve and dragged me through the gates into the city.How can they allow that? I asked. Youd think that our people would tear it down.They did, a band of Zealots. Joseph told me. The Romans caught them and crucified them by this road.You never told me that.Joseph told me not to speak of it.You could see her breasts.Dont think active it.How can I not think about it? Ive never seen a breast without a baby attached to it. Theyre more more hail-fellow in fits like that.Which wa y to where we are supposed to work?My father said to come to the western corner of the city and we would see where the work was being done.Then come along. He was still dragging me, his show down, stomping along like an angry mule.Do you think Maggies breasts ordain look like that?My father had been outfit to build a house for a wealthy classic on the western side of the city. When Joshua and I arrived my father was already there, directing the hard workers who were hoisting a cut stone into place on the wall. I suppose I swayed something different. I suppose I was surprised that anyone, even a slave, would do as my father instructed. The slaves were Nubians, Egyptians, Phoenicians, criminals, debtors, spoils of war, accidents of turn in they were wiry, filthy men, many wearing nothing more than sandals and a loincloth. In another life they might have commanded an army or lived in a palace, but now they sweated in the morning chill, moving stones minatory enough to break a d onkey.Are these your slaves? Joshua asked my father.Am I a rich man, Joshua? No, these slaves belong to the Romans. The Greek who is building this house has hired them for the construction. wherefore do they do as you ask? There are so many of them. You are only one man.My father hung his head. I promise that you never see what the lead tips of a Roman whip do to a mans body. All of these men have, and even seeing it has broken their animate as men. I pray for them every night.I hate the Romans, I said.Do you, little one, do you? A mans voice from behind.Hail, Centurion, my father said, his eye going wide.Joshua and I turned to see Justus Gallicus, the centurion from the funeral at Japhia, standing among the slaves. Alphaeus, it seems you are raising a litter of Zealots.My father put his hands on my and Joshuas shoulders. This is my son, Levi, and his friend Joshua. They begin their apprenticeship today. Just boys, he said, by way of apology.Justus approached, looked apace at me, then stared at Joshua for a long time. I know you, boy. Ive seen you before.The funeral at Japhia, I said quickly. I couldnt take my eyeball off of the wasp-waisted short sword that hung from the centurions belt.No, the Roman seemed to be searching his memory. Not Japhia. Ive seen this face in a picture.That cant be, my father said. We are forbidden by our faith from depicting the human form.Justus glared at him. I am not a stranger to your peoples primitive beliefs, Alphaeus. Still, this boy is familiar.Joshua stared up at the centurion with a completely blank font.You notice for these slaves, boy? You would free them if you could?Joshua nodded. I would. A mans spirit should be his own to give to God.You know, there was a slave about eighty years ago who talked like you. He elevated(a) an army of slaves against Rome, beat back two of our armies, took over all the territories southeastern of Rome. Its a story every Roman soldier must learn.Why, what happened? I asked.We cruci fied him, Justus said. By the side of the road, and his body was eaten by ravens. The lesson we all learn is that nothing can stand against Rome. A lesson you need to learn, boy, along with your stonecutting.Just then another Roman soldier approached, a legionnaire, not wearing the pallium or the helmet crest of the centurion. He said something to Justus in Latin, then looked at Joshua and paused. In rough Aramaic he said, Hey, didnt I see that gull on some bread erst?Wasnt him, I said.Really? certain looks like him.Nope, that was another kid on the bread.It was me, said Joshua.I backhand him crossways the forehead, knocking him to the ground. No it wasnt. Hes insane. Sorry.The soldier shook his head and zip off after Justus.I offered a hand to help Joshua up. Youre going to have to learn to lie.I am? But I feel like Im here to tell the truth.Yeah, sure, but not now.I dont just now know what I expected it would be like working as a stonemason, but I know that in less than a week Joshua was having second thoughts about not becoming a carpenter. nifty great stones with small iron wanders was very hard work. Who knew?Look around, do you see any trees? Joshua mocked. Rocks, Josh, rocks.Its only hard because we dont know what were doing. It will get easier.Joshua looked at my father, who was stripped to the waist, chiseling away on a stone the size of a donkey, while a dozen slaves waited to hoist it into place. He was cover with gray propagate and streams of sweat drew dark lines between cords of muscle straining in his back and arms. Alphaeus, Joshua called, does the work get easier once you know what you are doing?Your lungs grow thick with stone dust and your eyes bleary from the sun and fragments thrown up by the chisel. You pour your lifeblood out into works of stone for Romans who will take your money in taxes to provender soldiers who will nail your people to crosses for wanting to be free. Your back breaks, your bone up creak, your wife scree ches at you, and your children torment you with open, begging mouths, like greedy baby birds in the nest. You go to bed every night so weary and beaten that you pray to the Lord to send the angel of death to take you in your sleep so you dont have to face another morning. It as well has its downside. Thanks, Joshua said. He looked at me, one eyebrow raised.I for one, am excited, I said. Im ready to cut some stone. Stand back, Josh, my chisel is on fire. life history is stretched out before us like a great bazaar, and I cant wait to taste the sweets to be found there.Josh tilted his head like a bewildered dog. I didnt get that from your fathers answer.Its sarcasm, Josh.Sarcasm?Its from the Greek, sarkasmos. To pang the lips. It means that you arent really saying what you mean, but people will get your point. I invented it, Bartholomew named it.Well, if the village idiot named it, Im sure its a good thing.There you go, you got it.Got what?Sarcasm.No, I meant it.Sure you did.Is tha t sarcasm?Irony, I think.Whats the difference?I havent the slightest idea.So youre being ironic now, right?No, I really dont know.Maybe you should ask the idiot.Now youve got it.What?Sarcasm.Biff, are you sure you werent sent here by the annoy to vex me?Could be. How am I doing so far? You feel riled?Yep. And my hands hurt from holding the chisel and mallet. He struck the chisel with his wooden mallet and sprayed us both with stone fragments.Maybe God sent me to talk you into being a stonemason so you would drive on up and go be the Messiah.He struck the chisel again, then spit and sputtered through the fragments that flew. I dont know how to be the Messiah.So what, a week ago we didnt know how to be stonemasons and look at us now. It gets easier once you know what youre doing.Are you being ironic again?God, I hope not.It was two months before we actually saw the Greek who had commissioned my father to build the house. He was a short, soft-looking little man, who wore a vest tha t was as sinlessness as any worn by the Levite priests, with a border of interlocking rectangles woven around the hem in gold. He arrived in a pair of chariots, followed on foot by two body slaves and a half-dozen body safety devices who looked like Phoenicians. I say a pair of chariots because he rode with a driver in the lead chariot, but behind them they pulled a second chariot in which stood the ten-foot-tall marble statue of a naked man. The Greek climbed down from his chariot and went directly to my father. Joshua and I were mixing a batch of mortar at the time and we paused to watch.Graven image, Joshua said.Saw it, I said. As graven images go, I like Venus over by the gate better.That statue is not Jewish, Joshua said.Definitely not Jewish, I said. The statues manhood, although abundant, was not circumcised.Alphaeus, the Greek said, why havent you set the floor of the gymnasium yet? Ive brought this statue to display in the gymnasium, and theres just a hole in the ground in stead of a gymnasium.I told you, this ground is not suitable for building. I cant build on sand. Ive had the slaves dig down in the sand until they hit bedrock. Now it has to be back-filled in with stone, then pounded.But I want to place my statue, the Greek whined. Its come all the way from Athens.Would you sort of your house fall down around your precious statue?Dont talk to me that way, Jew, I am paying you well to build this house.And I am building this house well, which means not on the sand. So store your statue and let me do my work.Well, unload it. You, slaves, help unload my statue. The Greek was talking to Joshua and me. All of you, help unload my statue. He pointed to the slaves who had been pretending to work since the Greek arrived, but who werent sure that it was in their best interest to look like a part of a projection about which the master seemed displeased. They all looked up with a surprised Who, me? expression on their faces, which I noticed was the same in an y language.The slaves locomote to the chariot and began untying the ropes that held the statue in place. The Greek looked to us. Are you deaf, slaves? Help them He stormed back to his chariot and grabbed a whip out of the drivers hand.Those are not slaves, my father said. Those are my apprentices.The Greek wheeled on him. And I should sustentation about that? Move, boys NowNo, Joshua said.I thought the Greek would explode. He raised the whip as if to strike. What did you say?He said, no. I stepped up to Joshuas side.My people believe that graven images, statues, are sinful, my father said, his voice on the edge of panic. The boys are only being true to our God.Well, that is a statue of Apollo, a real god, so they will help unload it, as will you, or Ill find another mason to build my house.No, Joshua repeated. We will not.Right, you leprous succuss of camel snot, I said.Joshua looked at me, sort of disgusted. Jeez, Biff.Too much?The Greek screeched and started to swing the whip. The last thing I saw as I covered my face was my father diving toward the Greek. I would take a lash for Joshua, but I didnt want to lose an eye. I brace for the sting that never came. There was a thump, then a twanging sound, and when I uncovered my face, the Greek was lying on his back in the dirt, his white robe covered with dust, his face red with rage. The whip was extended out behind him, and on its tip stood the armored hobnail boot of Gaius Justus Gallicus, the centurion. The Greek rolled in the dirt, ready to vent his ire on whoever had stayed his hand, but when he saw who it was, he went limp and pretended to cough.One of the Greeks bodyguards started to step forward. Justus pointed a finger at the guard. Will you stand down, or would you rather feel the foot of the Roman Empire on your neck?The guard stepped back into line with his companions.The Roman was grinning like a mule eating an apple, not in the least concerned with allowing the Greek to save face. So, Castor, a m I to gather that you need to conscript more Roman slaves to help build your house? Or is it true what I perk about you Greeks, that whipping young boys is an entertainment for you, not a disciplinal action?The Greek spit out a mouthful of dust as he climbed to his feet. The slaves I have will be fitted for the task, wont they, Alphaeus? He turned to my father, his eyes pleading.My father seemed to be caught between two evils, and unable to decide which was the lesser of them. Probably, he said, finally.Well, good, then, Justus said. I will expect a bonus payment for the extra work they are doing. lift on.Justus walked through the construction site, acting as if every eye was not on him, or not caring, and paused as he passed Joshua and me.Leprous jar of camel snot? he said under his breath.Old Hebrew bring up? I ventured.You two should be in the hills with the other Hebrew rebels. The Roman laughed, tousled our hair, then walked away.The sunset was turning the hillsides pink as we walked stead to Nazareth that evening. In addition to being almost exhausted from the work, Joshua seemed vexed by the events of the day.Did you know that about not being able to build on sand? he asked.Of course, my fathers been talking about it for a long time. You can build on sand, but what you build will fall down.Joshua nodded thoughtfully. What about soil? Dirt? Is it okay to build on that?Rock is best, but I suppose hard dirt is good.I need to remember that.We seldom saw Maggie in those days after we began working with my father. I found myself looking forward to the Sabbath, when we would go to the synagogue and I would mess about around outside, among the women, while the men were inside listening to the reading of the Torah or the arguments of the Pharisees. It was one of the few times I could talk to Maggie without Joshua around, for though he resented the Pharisees even then, he knew he could learn from them, so he washed-out the Sabbath listening to their tea chings. I still wonder if this time I take with Maggie somehow represented a disloyalty to Joshua, but later, when I asked him about it, he said, God is willing to forgive you the sin that you carry for being a child of man, but you must forgive yourself for having once been a child.I suppose thats right.Of course its right, Im the Son of God, you dolt. Besides, Maggie always wanted to talk about me anyway, didnt she?Not always, I lied.On the Sabbath before the murder, I found Maggie outside the synagogue, sitting by herself under a date palm tree. I shuffled up to her to talk, but kept looking at my feet. I knew that if I looked into her eyes I would forget what I was talking about, so I only looked at her in brief takes, the way a man will glance up at the sun on a sweltering day to confirm the source of the heat.Wheres Joshua? were the first words out of her mouth, of course.Studying with the men.She seemed disappointed for a moment, but then brightened. How is your work?Hard, I like playing better.What is Sepphoris like? Is it like Jerusalem?No, its smaller. But there are a lot of Romans there. Shed seen Romans. I needed something to impress her. And there are graven images statues of people.Maggie covered her mouth to stifle a giggle. Statues, really? I would love to see them.Then come with us, we are leave tomorrow very early, before anyone is awake.I couldnt. Where would I tell my capture I was going? rank her that you are going to Sepphoris with the Messiah and his pal.Her eyes went wide and I looked away quickly, before I was caught in their spell. You shouldnt talk that way, Biff.I saw the angel.You said yourself that we shouldnt say it.I was only joking. posit your mother that I told you about a beehive that I found and that you want to go find some honey while the bees are still groggy from the morning cold. Its a full moon tonight, so youll be able to see. She just might believe you.She might, but shell know I was lying when I dont bring home any honey.Tell her it was a hornets nest. She thinks Josh and I are stupid anyway, doesnt she?She thinks that Joshua is touched in the head, but you, yes, she thinks youre stupid.You see, my plan is working. For it is written that if the wise man always appears stupid, his failures do not disappoint, and his success gives pleasant surprise.Maggie smacked me on the leg. That is not written.Sure it is, Imbeciles three, euphony seven.There is no book of Imbeciles.Drudges five-four?Youre making that up.Come with us, you can be back to Nazareth before its time to fetch the morning water.Why so early? What are you two up to?Were going to circumcise Apollo.She didnt say anything, she just looked at me, as if she would see Liar written across my forehead in fire.It wasnt my idea, I said. It was Joshuas.Ill go then, she said.